Did you Find the Ham Steak?

I heard the truck pull in late last night and excitedly ran downstairs to show off the (semi) cleaned refrigerator to my brother who had so thoughtfully thrown out the stinking meat the night before when my Mom was sleeping. Before the disposal of the meat, the stench was putrid and instantly permeated the entire house within seconds if you opened the door. My mother is absolutely immune to this. Good thing the neighbors are on vacation as I believe the stink of it would have driven them from their beds screaming.

Once the scent was semi-bearable around here, I decided to just jump in there and clean the fridge out no matter what my Mom said. No asking, just doing. I asked my son to run upstairs and get the Tilex (which I had used to clean out the disgusting bathroom a few weeks earlier). "Why do you need to use Tilex in there!" my mother demanded as if I was about to kill a puppy. "Because there is mold growing in there." I stated calmly. "Oh," she said and walked away and I knew I was home free. She was resigned (or so I thought).

Six month old Apple Cider, dated 2/7/10; miraculously unalcoholic

Cottage Cheese, dated 12/20/09. I was too afraid to open it up. I just threw it away.

What my brother later referred to as The La Brea Tar Pit -- "You could catch a mouse in that shit," he claimed.

Because I assumed my mother was resigned, I did not initially expect the intermittent disputes against the disposal of certain items. "Why is the rice in here?" I called out (My first mistake. So stupid to ask a question. Now she had the stage.) "Because there were bugs growing in it." From the tone of her voice I could tell that what she really wanted to say was "Because there were bugs growing in it. What are you stupid?!"

"I'll tell you what, Ma. I'll throw out the rice and buy you a new bag." (Second mistake. Trying to negotiate with someone whose truths are irrational.) "You Will NOT," she stormed in, "That's expensive rice there." Her thought bubble read: "Why would anyone throw out rice when there are just some bugs in it? If you throw it in the fridge, you'll put the bugs in a stupor (like you do with lobsters before boiling them) and keep more of the eggs from hatching. Duh. My daughter really is an imbicile."

We had a similar disagreement about several other items, including:

• two-month old, moldy hot dog rolls - What she said: "They'll freeze up nice." What she thought: "Some mold is good for you."
• pickles in a jar so old the cap was all rusty - What she said: "the vinegar keeps them preserved forever." What she thought: "You wimp. I'll eat those any day." My return thought: "Well, why didn't you eat them already?"
• italian sausages, five days past their Sell By date, no longer pink but medium brown - What she said: "These are just fine. They look just like they did when I bought them (as if she could read my mind noting that the color was terribly wrong. Even when reading your mind, the hoarder needs to be right.) I'll make sauce tomorrow." What she thought: "Look we can have a nice family dinner together."

"OK," I agreed. I later whispered to my son to turn down any rice or italian dinner offerings from my mother. Later, I told him the story about when I was a kid and my Mom made me eat really old sausages after which I projectile vomited my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

This is because the hoarder is unable to take responsibility for things -- sometimes horrendous things -- which may be their fault. And, as my brother said, "She built up her tolerance eating bad shit out of that fridge for years. You could drop her off and she'd survive in any third world nation."

And, "Oh, did you find the ham steak?"

Me: "What ham steak?"

Him: "Shit, you didn't clean out everything did you?"

Me: "No, I still need to clean out the door and the bins."

Him: "There's a really old ham steak in there somewhere."